Councils Agree to Replace Tea With Coffee — But at a Cost!

In a surprise move, both City and County Councils have announced they will no longer provide tea to their workers, replacing it instead with coffee.

The move follows a lengthy research project which identified coffee as giving workers a significant boost in productivity. Council sources said the findings were “immediately obvious” after the third meeting about the findings ran into lunchtime.

The councils will purchase 17,500 horse boxes and equip them with Nespresso machines. The rollout is due to begin on the south side of Cork city later this year, with Stop/Go systems the first group to avail of the new effort.

“Whenever there is a Stop and Go system in place I get a large number of angry complaints from commuters. So we thought we would trial this new approach on those efforts to minimise how much work I need to do.”

A tale of two coffee services

The scheme has caused some confusion among workers because a temporary northside solution looks rather different. A kettle, a jar of Maxwell House instant coffee and several charity-shop cups will be the primary caffeine source for staff there until the fleet becomes available.

“Typical, like. Southside is always getting the good stuff. What are we like, not good enough or something?”

The announcement has drawn anger from coffee operators across the city and county, who fear their business will be threatened when the council fleet arrives. One operator from My Lovely Horse Coffee said he was understandably concerned.

“You know this is my livelihood. I bought that horse box so I could give people a warm cup of coffee when they are stuck out in the rain and the cold, and now I hear the council is doing it free? Total shambles.”

At press time, the councils had commissioned a second research project to establish whether workers supplied with free espresso might be capable of completing paperwork before the next roadworks season.